Balance your life. Live your spirit.

Jan loves her job and her boss. The only issue is that her boss prizes punctuality and Jan just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.

When he was a boy, Frank vowed he’d never be a father like his own father—aloof, critical and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him for not measuring up.

What Jan and Frank have in common is an all-too-common condition called self-sabotage. Over time it creates a cycle of stress and self-destruction that results in our not living the life we want for ourselves.

Self-sabotage “hides inside us and toils against our best interest. If we don’t succeed in identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle: Why We Repeat Behaviors That Create Hardships and Ruin Relationships.

Numerous studies show that women are more prone to lower self-esteem and self-doubting thoughts. This leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In her book Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work, she lists several signs of self-defeating behavior that women (and men) can recognize:

1.  Being overly passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.

2.  Having a chronically chaotic financial situation.

3. Being controlled by depression and anxiety.

4.  Being controlled by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.

5.  Being mistreated by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.

Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to change. Many experts agree that to change a behavior, one must first change one’s thinking.

The next step is to take responsibility for our thoughts and behavior—so that we control them and they stop controlling us. If we can accept that we are doing this to ourselves, we can also understand that we have the power to change.

Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Frank could take his son camping, be careful to stay positive, and remain silent when he feels a criticism rising up within him. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.”

Setting a specific goal can make a big difference. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Jan could firmly decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late—a job she loves, for instance.

Jan could reinforce her decision by writing a positive affirmation each night in her journal, and setting her alarm clock an hour earlier. After a while, the rewards of being on time would become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late.

It’s not easy to change patterns of self-sabotage, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the balanced life we really want for ourselves.